The Society And The Male Child

A MUST READ FOR ALL MEN AND WOMEN

Everyday, especially with the rise of social media, the menfolk are bashed and branded “evil”. We often make generalisations about the whole “specie” based on isolated experiences.

Recently, a Nollywood actress wrote that “all men cheat”. My intention is not to write a rejoinder to the referenced article, neither is it an attempt to repudiate the assertion. However, in my moment of solitude, I asked if truly something is wrong with us as men.

Before making my case, please permit me to share three independent events that will help connect the dots with you.

Event 1

Recently, at a party, I was having a conversation with a group of childhood girlfriends. One of them, Omolara, was deeply concerned about the posture her nine-year-old son is beginning to assume in life. According to her, he is becoming too “SWEET” for a man, (Sweetness in her dictionary is a lovey-dovey, soft, simple and good man). She was actually seeking my opinion on how to help him ‘toughen up’. As I struggled to make sense of her request, I asked why she wanted to alter the poor boy’s personality and to my utmost bewilderment, Bidemi, Shewa and Zainab, all other three ladies sitting with us attacked me with an intense “Jezebelic” venom. I left the party wondering to myself if I was some sort of a novice, probably naïve or worse still, archaic in my thinking.

Event 2

A few months ago, I got a phone call from a very dear friend. She asked if I could recommend the service of a good lawyer for her. Since she worked in my former constituency (i.e. the Nigerian banking industry), I erroneously assumed that she was about to resign her job to register and start a new business, Alas, my very good-natured, homely gentle and caring Bolanle wants to get a divorce. The reason: Bros has been cheating on her with two of his ex-es and a new kid on the block in his office.

Disturbed at the distraught sound of her voice, we agreed to meet up at a nearby restaurant on my invitation. As she walked towards me, the pain from her countenance would best be described as the percussion to the symphony of a shattered heart; in one word: BROKEN.
I watched as she broke down in tears whilst she narrated her experience. She had led a chaste and responsible life as a single chic and had been a faithful and dutiful wife. Her world was tearing apart not only because she caught Le-boo red-handed, but, because he rubbed his affairs in her face and was too prideful to show any form of remorse.
Secondly, because NOBODY was in support of her divorce. Everyone, including her darling mum and numero uno confidante, encouraged her to her stay on in the marriage and their unanimous reason is that, all over the world and particularly in Africa, philandering is in the DNA of men.

As I listened to the societal justification for her to remain in the marriage, I realised that, somehow in our social construct, we may have bought into an unconscious “conspiracy theory” that has no empirical, cognitive, scriptural, or moral validation.

Event 3

The first time I saw Iyanya’s ‘Oreo’ music video, (no disrespect to the talented dude) my first instinct was fear for the ‘boy child’. I reckoned that excessive exposure to those sort of videos in his formative years can catalyse his inclination towards a ‘vulgar’ future expressed in poor character traits such as objectifying women, multiple dating, infidelity, lack of respect for women, cheating, polygamy et al. You can then imagine the emotion I felt when I walked into a friend’s house as the video was playing on one of the music channels on DSTV and right before Daddy and Mummy, was their six-year-old son watching and singing along without parental check.

Here’s my pain:

In most cases, all through her life, the girl child was trained to be contrite, to be meek, to cook, to serve the king as a queen, she was generally prepared for life. The question is, who prepared the boy child for life? Who bothered to help him discover his theme and guide him on how to navigate his way through the tides of life? Who spent time to teach him how to care for a pregnant wife? Who counselled him on how to be a gentleman?

As a teenager, I recall listening to a conversation about the girl child losing her innocence. For the girl child it is a taboo, but in most cases, for the boy child it is acceptable. I have seen where an African mother defended her boy child in a case of fornication gone wrong, but the girl child was stigmatized for the same “crime”.
In some homes, the boy child finished eating his meals and the Mother ensured that the girl child packed up his plate and washed them. It was forbidden for him to do the dishes because he was either the only son, the last boy or the first boy (as some Yoruba mothers will say, “Baba yin ni”).

All his life, the boy child has been told that he is the champion and that it is a sign of weakness to be vulnerable. In some parts of Africa, he is the preferred gender, the one to carry on the family name (‘o ma se o’). There is nothing wrong with building up a child’s self-esteem but there must be a balanced approach to it, the sad effect of these alpha-male doctrines and masculine philosophies is that it messes up the child’s belief system and often times he loses the power of believing right.

The world tells the boy child that he is the VICTOR whereas he is actually the VICTIM.
He is the victim of a society that lied to him that he is superior to the girl child (that is probably why some men may never be able to handle a super successful, upwardly- mobile woman).
He is the victim of a system that deceived him; that it is a sign of weakness for a man to cry.
He is the victim of a system that gave him a false sense of dominance over his female counterpart.
He is the victim of a system where his own mother concurred to the sinister doctrine that polygamist tendencies is an innate trait of the masculine gender.
He is the victim of a system that had no strict boundaries for his social conduct and contriteness whereas the girl was prepared for life and marriage.
He is the victim of our cultural flaws and idiosyncrasies.
He is the victim of a faulty foundation of a failed society.

Here’s how I see it:

It is our responsibility to show him (the boy child) the masterplan of his creator.
To be strong at heart yet not afraid to admit his weaknesses and cry if need be
To be a leader yet with the humility to be a servant and have control over himself
To be courageous yet not afraid to open to his errors in the days of adversity
To be strong yet meek
To be swift yet patient
To be sweet yet wise
To be kind yet firm
To be wise, prudent, caring and focused
To be honourable in the place of chastity
To build the capacity to commit to his words and not renege on his promise of love
To respect the WOMAN, her GOD, her will and her body
To demonize feminine abuse and revere her emotions, her spirit and her essence
To own his story, his will, his calling, his purpose, his family and his life
A man who will treat all women with dignity and not exploit her vulnerabilities even when the latter so easily give in.

Let’s help develop a breed of perfect gentlemen

Let’s help the boys grow to become Men after God’s heart!

To young mothers with growing boys, teach them how to handle the needs of a woman from a woman’s perspective, it is obvious that men don’t get it as much……(Family Customer Service 101)

We may not be able to change the global stock of men, but in our little corner, with our sons, our nephews, our cousins, our protégées, our godsons, our neighbour’s sons. We can build ONE man that will affect a nation.

A sage once told me: it is easier to build up growing children than to repair broken adults..

came across this and felt I should share and post.

Feel free to share on groups. So we can start building the kind of men we hope to see.

#copied#

Bitter Truth For Guys Trying To Maintain Distant Relationships

Have you ever dipped your fingers in a pot of Melon Soup (Egusi) without heating or getting it refrigerated?  The next day, be sure that your soup will become sour!!! This is possibly what could become of your relationship and emotional feelings when 'distance' is involved, especially, when this 'distance' is not handled with enough maturity!

I personally think it is basically foolish trying to maintain distant relationships when the two persons involve do no wish to get married or are not ready to settle down as husband and wife within the shortest possible time! If your girlfriend lives in Uyo and you live in Akure, the burden and regular emotional pains that distant relationships bring could be better tamed if both of you would be tying the knot as soon as possible. On the other hand, in a situation where both of you are still confused on the future of the relationship or there are no serious plans for marriage on ground, you could both be deceiving yourselves while living in constant emotional torture!!!

'Love', no matter how fake it is, grows when the persons that are involved are physically present with each other to ignite the ingredients of romance in the relationship. When romance leaves through the door in a relationship, affection, care and attention are definitely going to leave through the windows! 'Love' would become a mirage and relationship would be recklessly abandoned and forgotten!

As partners, doing things together such as going to the cinema, shopping, strolling and holding hands in the park, watching movies together at home, cracking jokes and seeing the smiles on the faces of each other go a long way in boosting romance . On the contrary, these things are not present in distant affairs! Relationship needs physical body contact, if truth be told. That's the easiest way to reduce unnecessary tension, jealousy, accusations and counter-accusations, constant cheating and lying and all other funny things that go along with distant affairs!!!

In this world that we live in, where materialism and sex are fast becoming the foundations of most relationships, you should sincerely think about it...whether the one you romantically call 'your love' is fervently sincere with you too . I mean, phone calls and chats are just so boring and useless without physical contact!!!

I am not a misogynist and has never been but experiences and observations have clearly shown that ladies cheat more in distant relationships because they are more prone to romantic pressures from other men; some may be carried away by materialism and the pressure to have sex!!! This explains why you may be in Warri, happy that you have a loving girlfriend that lives in Lagos, not knowing that one sharp banker with slick tongue and posh car is banging her in and out! In no time, her care and attention for you would decrease; she would call and text lesser and discussions on phone would become so boring! You should know it is almost coming to an end! . If you don't have any plans of getting married soonest, don't waste your time on distant affairs! I would even suggest you use the money you spend on regular, boring and long phone calls on online betting because you cold be wasting your resources on a girl someone else is 'eating'

Distant relationship is full of pains, lies, emotional trauma, unnecessary troubles, jealousy and fear all occassioned by lack of physical presence!

How to deal with Fustrations

Frustration: a knotty situation but a reality to be experienced. We are in a society where we are being driven by a neurotic speed and force accelerated by greed and frustration of deviating from the image which we initially created for ourselves because at times, the image has no reflection of us in reality - Yoko Ono.. .. ..

Frustration, at times painful but always yields a very positive and essential part of our success, but that still doesn't change the fact that an atom of the reactant (frustration) won't be present in the outcome.. .. ..

No matter how satisfied one is on earth, he must surely cross the path of frustration coz it has been necessitated by the Creator that all living creatures must undergo series of frustrations right from their beginning till they eventually die. A classic example can be seen in the life of young children, they strive so hard to take their first step just to become mobile, and after that, they also strive for years before they master a language that would allow them to express themselves clearly and freely, but before that happens, all they do is cry and depend on a loving parent who would be able to interpret their frustrations which might be hunger, pain or any sort of uncomfortable feeling in a way that would relieve them.. .. ..

Even at adult stage, frustration is still inevitable, i can boldly say that 85% of the individuals of this nation are currently in position where frustrations led them to, and not a place where they initially wished to be. Our society is a typical example to that; a student who had completed his SSCE was about to further his education in the higher institution, he initially wished to study mechanical engineering but after the whole UTME and POST UTME, he was unfortunate to be given metallurgical engineering, then he was left in a dilemma where he was to choose between accepting the course that was given to him or decline it and may never have that kind of opportunity again. The whole scenario and frustrations derailed his life and he later ended up being a police officer. A writer once said that; "The same frustration which leads a thief into stealing is the same frustration that leads a policeman into a police job. That's why you should always at least try to be nice to them whenever they ask for weekdays/weekends pocket money coz a thief is entitled to a gun likewise a policeman, but the policeman chose to set positive possibilities with his own frustration and the pocket money he is always asking for is the atom of frustration in his success as aforesaid in the 3rd paragraph.. .. ..

Unfortunately, the whole challenges isn't our fault, but our brain and central nervous system requires much frustration and constant pressure to develop, grow and maintain dexterity. A good question to ask ourselves is:

HOW DO WE DEAL WITH OUR FRUSTRATIONS?

Do we see it as a challenge to greater places? Do we see it as an opportunity to blame someone else? Do we just sit and cry and wait for someone to help us deal with it? These are the questions that should always pop up whenever we find ourselves in frustrating moments.. .. ..

It's high time we learnt how to differentiate between our failure and frustration, failure is not the problem, but frustration certainly is. A failure that follows frustration will close the door of our mind but if we are able to ignore the failure and seek another opportunity, our situations won't be that of total failure. All we have to do is redirect the substantial energy of our frustration into something productive and turn it into positive, effective, and unstoppable determination that would help us set positive possibilities.. .. ..

Originally written by LordOfTheWeed

Sexualization Of Children: Parents Have Lost It In Parenting

As I waited in the departure lounge of a local airport, I noticed there were many children about but it was understandable since it was summer holiday. One other thing I noticed was the way most of the children were dressed. Most of them, especially the girls, were dressed in bum shorts, halter necks, cut off jeans, etc. The clothes in themselves weren't the issue per se; it was the overall look of the children that had me bothered. That was definitely not the first time I noticed it.

A few months before, I had taken my kids to a birthday party and found myself in what could easily have been a night club for kids. Scanty clothing such as tight or very short clothes, bum shorts, long weaves, etc, seemed to be the dress code. I noticed my daughter glancing around her, probably wondering, "What in God's world are these other children wearing?" Or something like that.

Not long after, the kids were called out to dance to the hit songs of the season - these songs in my opinion should be rated PG 13. 4-6 year olds trooped to the dance floor, miming the sexually explicit songs and gyrating their bodies in the most sensual manner. They could have given Beyonce a run for her money.

They ran their hands over their bodies, shook their booties hard while their parents cheered them on. The boys had their upper shirts unbuttoned and rapped along perfectly to gangsta raps while doing flawless break dance.

Those who danced like actual children where shooed off the dance floor while the lewd ones were cheered on. As I watched, my child stared out of this circle looking longingly at the others dancing. I knew it was time to leave. As we left, we went to a eatery where I bought them ice cream and gently explained to them the concept of decency and dancing with decorum.

Another time, at a game arcade for kids, I ran into a lady who had made-up her kids' faces like they were mannequins for Tara or Mac beauty products. Their skirts were so tight, that running up and down the slide was uncomfortable for them.

So the question is, why are we sexualizing our kids? Why does your 4, 6 or 9 year old girl have to look like a chick? Why does she have to be hot or sexy? Should your 8 year old son go around with a comb in his hair and his pants sagged almost to his ankles?

If your child wears bum shorts out of the house at age 3, why should she be expected to wear longer ones at 15? If she wears 2 rings and 12 bangles at 6, why won't she pierce a second ear hole at 17 and her bellybutton at 19?

Why won't your son pierce his own ear at 15? Are you setting your children up to be immodest and indecent? What trend are you starting them on? That all these are fashionable or trendy doesn't mean it's okay.

Some parents even dress their children like this to church. Church!

What are you teaching the child? What happened to children wearing dresses to church? Children can look very nice and decent, they can be well covered and still look good. In this age, when children are being abused, is it wise to make your child an object of anyone's sexual attention?

When I hear some children belt out sexually explicit lyrics, I ask myself how they became exposed to this songs! As a parent, you can't play the CD of such songs and not expect your children to pick them up; the same goes for watching Mtv Base, Channel O, etc with your children.

Studies have shown that children exposed to a high level of sexually explicit information tend to become sexually active early. Is that your goal as a parent?

Being a Parent involves sacrifice. You will need to avoid listening to such music where your children are.

Most of those lyrics demean women and teach your daughter that she's just a intimacy gadget and her body is for squeezing. It teaches the boys that money is everything and women are things to be used to satisfy their primal urges. These music introduces them to a degrading pop culture.

Our children have their lives ahead of them, let's set them on the right path by teaching them to dress decently and sing nice or age-appropriate songs. Let your children be children. Train up a child in the way that s/he should go and when s/he is old, s/he would not depart from it.

Do you agree that children are unnecessarily exposed to sexually explicit elements? Is it possible that some parents are victims themselves or is it that they don't know any better?

How To Become Emotionally Strong

Experiencing emotions is a normal part of human living and there is nothing inherently bad about having emotions but allowing yourself to be ruled by emotions is bad. For this reason, emotional strength and maturity is essential.
Emotional maturity is the ability to control your emotions and take full responsibility for your life along with its opportunities and dramas.
Emotional maturity is something that we must develop in our lives by knowing how to respond to situations in a mature and responsible manner. It is a quality worth working towards if you aren’t already there.
No one is perfect. We are all in the process of improving ourselves.

Here are things you can practice to become more emotionally mature and strong.

1. Don’t let negativity get the best of you.
Your brain is a radio transmitter. It broadcasts thoughts, directions and vibrations into your life – you get to choose the station it’s tuned to.
Emotionally strong people understand this and tune out negativity to make room for positivity. Focus on the positives, and soon the negatives become harder to see.

2. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself.
Emotionally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life, work on changing what can be changed, and keep in mind that life isn’t always easy or fair. In the end, happiness is not the absence of problems, but simply the ability to deal well with them. So look at what you have, instead of what you have lost. Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.

3. Don’t think you need more to be happy.
Know that happiness is a mindset of appreciation. In other words, happiness doesn’t start when “this, that or the other thing” is resolved. Happiness is what happens now when you appreciate what you have.

4. Don’t compare your journey to everyone else’s.
Social comparison is the thief of happiness. Do YOUR best and don’t compare your progress with that of others. They aren’t YOU. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. Emotionally strong people know this is the truth, and they live by it.

5. Don’t envy and resent other people’s success.
Learn to genuinely appreciate and celebrate other people’s success. Don’t grow envious or feel cheated when others achieve something you are trying to achieve. Instead, recognize that success comes with hard work, and be willing to work hard for your own chance at success. True confidence has no room for envy and resentment. When you know you are great, you have no reason to hate.

6. Don’t expect everything to be easy.
Don’t view failures and delays as reasons to give up. Instead, use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. Be willing to keep trying until you get it right. Whether you are working on improving your health or getting a new business off the ground, don’t expect immediate results.
Instead, apply your efforts and skills to the best of your ability and understand that real change takes time.

7. Don’t say, “I can’t.”
As Henry Ford puts it, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” This is true. If you really want to do something, you can and you will find a way. If you don’t, you will surely find a long list of excuses. So stop saying “I wish” and start saying “I will.” Turn your “can’ts” into “cans” and your dreams into plans.

8. Don’t let fleeting temptations distract you from your dreams.
Don’t let the temptations of today distract you from what you deserve. Stay emotionally strong. Do what you have to do now so you can do what you want to do later.

9. Don’t get impatient and settle.
Good things don’t come to those who wait. Good things come to those who are patient… while working hard for what they want most in life. If you know what you want, if you can see it, feel it and move toward it in some small way every single day… it has to happen. Be patient and keep working. That’s what emotionally strong people do.

10. Don’t make the same exact mistakes over and over again.
You can’t make the same mistake twice. Because the second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice. Accept responsibility for your behavior and learn from past mistakes. As a result, you won’t keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. Instead, you grow and move on to better decisions and new lessons.

11. Don’t resist change.
Don’t try to avoid change. Instead, welcome positive change into your life and be willing to be flexible. Understand that change is inevitable and believe in your abilities to adapt. Change happens for a reason. Roll with it! It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

12. Don’t waste time and energy on things you can’t control.
Instead, focus on what you can control in your life. And above all, recognize that sometimes the only thing you can control is your attitude. After all, inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow an uncontrollable event or person to control your emotions.

13. Don’t hang on every word other people say about you.
Emotionally strong people listen to their own heart and intuition, not the peanut gallery. So try not to take things other people say about you too personally. What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you. Ultimately, you can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react and who you choose to be around.

14. Don’t think everyone is out to get you.
Emotionally strong people choose to see the good in others. Because the truth is, the world is full of good people. Whoever says otherwise hasn’t looked around. So look around. Appreciate them. Connect and smile together. When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding the good in yourself.

15. Don’t worry about pleasing everyone.
Recognize that you don’t need to please everyone all the time. Do not be afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. Strive to be compassionate and fair, but be able to handle other people being disappointed if you didn’t perfectly live up to their unfair expectations. The bottom line is, pleasing everyone is impossible.

16. Don’t think it’s too late to start over.
Let go of the idea that it’s too late to start over. Remember, it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don’t… even if it means beginning anew. Just because some things didn’t work out as you had expected, or didn’t happen as fast as you thought they would, is no excuse to give up on yourself.
Time passes one way or the other. Do what you need to do so that, at the very least, you can look back someday and say, “I gave life my best shot.”

Now it is your turn. What is your emotional strength/maturity level? Can you see yourself in the above statements and are there areas you want to improve upon? I personally have areas I need to work upon too.
It’s never too late – whether you are 18 or 81 there are chances for you to increase your emotional maturity/strength.

Feel free to leave a comment.

Credits to Angel Chernoff for some excerpts used in this post.